As you know, nobody ever reads this bit. As is indicated by the counter above, in fact, wait a minute...

There we go! You're the first one!

Okay then, I lied. I'm not really at prison. In fact the most illegal thing that I've ever done is have several high-ranking members of the UN assassinated. And let's face it, who of us can claim to have never done that then? It's just the same as nicking road-cones, only slightly more likely to cause a war.

Actually, it's only recently that I could have made such a claim, because I live in Stratford Upon Avon, and should I have made the same statement a few years ago then the West Midlands Serious Crime Squad (which used to contain more bent coppers than Uri Geller's purse) would have branded me as some Carlos The Jackal type of person and made sure that I fell down a few flights of steps on my way to my cell.

But anyway, fact is I'm a 24 year old kid* who went to Aston University for a very short period of time (1 year) before flunking out simply because the maths in my course (Electronic Engineering & Computer Science) made my brain hurt. Also, because University brought with it the temptations of succubi such as MUDS and 4 player Doom 2. Oh baby, did those keep me in the building till late at night (in fact a few like-minded students once took sleeping bags in with them and camped in the Spark lab for three days straight, or so I heard). I used to frequent a happy little place called Hertsmud, which was a pleasant place that thrived until the University it was on the servers of... discovered it. Bugger.

Quite frankly it was a miracle that I even got into University, seeing as I needed 20 points but got a measly 14 points instead ("C" in Physics and "D"'s in Maths and Chemistry), seems that as everyone did rather badly people were not bothering asking Aston whether they'd got in and just going for their security Uni's instead. As a result Aston was so desperately in need of students that they let an utter arse-head like me in. Well, it was either that or admit some tramps from out the front and I was reliably informed that I smelled less offensive.

Just.

But, after flunking out following my uniformly abominable exam results (Solid "F"s! I'm nothing if not consistent!) I got a job at a place called SITEL where I worked taking phone calls until April 1st 2000, when by some flukish convergence of the planets John Pickford asked me if I knew anyone who wanted to do Gameboy Color Graphics for them at Zed Two. I jumped at the chance and after bunking off work for two days under the pretense of being ill (that'll piss them off when they read that) I popped up to sunny Manchester and landed myself the job that I'm in today. Hurrah!

• Old computers and computer games, mainly the Sinclair Spectrum but the Atari ST holds an interest for me too. I still love the sheer childish exuberence of Skool Daze and Back To Skool... The crazed mole-related antics of Auf Wiedersehen Monty... And the surreal bouncing bogey gameplay of Wizball. Fun fun fun...
• Old computer music. Love it, listen to it constantly. I currently have the High Voltage Sids collection taking up 41.6mb of my hard-drive, and I heartily recommend it to anyone, even if you never owned a Commodore 64. It's quite literally 7700-odd different tunes/sets of tunes by such genius' as Ben Daglish, Tim Follin, Rob Hubbard and Jeroen Tel. I also have a smattering of Atari ST tunes and about a hundred Spectrum 128k ones. What I'd really like is for someone to write a Windows 95 compatible SAM Coupé E-Tune player. Dear lordy, then my life would be complete.
• Pyrotechnics. I must say, if it weren't for the Beeb spending several million each year on films for December then I'd like November 5th more than Christmas. But unfortunatley, thanks to a bunch of people who read headlines about people dying every Guy Fawkes Night (whilst neglecting the fact that nearly 100% of the time it's due to the pillocks peering into the depths of a lit mortar and wondering why it hasn't gone off yet) it seems that November 5th 1997 was the last event we could celebrate with bottle-rockets and bangers. Rather ironic considering that air-bombs make a far more dangerous and accurate hand-held weapon (a fact to which I can testify, owing to a rather irresponsible period of my history).
• Writing, I love writing. I'm planning on writing a sitcom based in a shop, but it's slow going as I'm basically a lazy git. But, a few clicks away are 20 or so of my Sci-Fi skits that I've written since 1994. I warn you that the early ones were so crap that I had to transfer the files with a spade. Even so, it's still a pretty embarrassing part of my web-page. I've also stuck up some features from my previous Aston Uni web page, and a choose your own adventure game and a multi-part story that I never finished but may well do so some time.
• Science-Fiction. Now that I have cable TV in my house, I have to say that every Sunday morning is spent on the couch downstairs with my duvet and a glass of something nice watching one of Doctor Who's exciting stories unfold in the magical way that only Doctor Who did. I don't think Sundays could get any better... Except when there's a new episode of the Simpsons on, too.
• Another massive portion of my life is taken up with playing PC and PlayStation games. I particularly love Doom-clones, Quake-clones and RPGs. Oh, and platformers. And adventures. Aw, hell. Anything but sports games and beat 'em ups. Except some of them.
• Oh yeah, and watching and collecting videos. I've got 250 of the buggers.
• And how could I almost forget? Junk Food! The main part of my incredibly unhealthy diet! I'm a crisp critic of the first order, a chocaholic and burger-fiend. I'm amazed that I only weigh 13 and a half stones. Blimey, that's a ½ more than a couple of months ago. Good thing I'm 5'11".

* I say kid, because that's how I act. I'm irresponsible, lazy, moody and easy to agitate. I swear far too much, I like playing with fireworks, I don't drink (okay, about a ½ pint of Vodka on the weekend, but that's all) and I spend far too much time in front of the Telly or PC or PlayStation. I'm a big kid. Pity yourself if you meet me.